The sunshine brings out the gardener in me. I want to get out there and dig my hands in some fine dark dirt, plant a few seeds and watch the fruits of my labor grow, trying to cultivate some beauty in a world of dark times and despair.

I hate watching the news any more - it’s all bad news anyway. If it isn’t someone robbing someone, it’s someone killing someone, horrific car accidents or the news about the upcoming election and who is going to be first and who is going to be second. Our choices for President this election deepen the fear of future. Nothing is as it used to be, nothing either Obama or Clinton promise makes me feel very secure at all.

I worry about my future, I worry about my children’s future, I worry about my grandchildren’s future, and their children’s future. The economy is hurting horribly, this is so evident in the sales on the Knot & Bauble Shoppe – I can only imagine what other stores are experiencing. If that isn’t bad enough, not only do we suffer the horrible rising costs of food and fuel – we now need to seriously consider a day when there will no longer be any oil or fuel – I don’t even want to think of the crimes and wars there will be when that happens.

I guess I will be like an Ostrich, and bury my head in the dirt. Its almost the only way to ignore all of this. Yet, I don’t ignore it; I do my best to conserve every chance I get. I turn off unneeded lights, use candles for light when I can, walk as often as I can to where I need to go, and try not to use the gas to heat my home any more than necessary. My small and feeble attempts don’t make much of a dent, but compiled with a lot of other small attempts to conserve, it’s got to count for something.

In order to displace myself from it all I bury myself in my immediate family, friends, and hobbies…especially hobbies and family…more importantly the Grandbabies…I wish for the millionth time that Melissa, Brad & Kailie were here so I could enjoy Kailie and our new grandbaby that will be here in just 9 to 10 short weeks growing up as I am Lexi.

My latest fear is the possibility of Kirk and Steph buying a home in Cottage Grove - which is really only 15-20 minutes from here; but that’s in good traffic. During rush hour it would be an hour from here. It’s not that I don’t wish them to be able to better themselves and have a home of their own, it’s just that I don’t see Steph and Kirk much as it is, and it also means that Lexi will not be coming to Grandma’s house any more for Grandma to watch –and this makes me so sad. I don’t know what I will do without having her with me three days a week.

She is the sunshine in my day.

Can you see why? She’s Grandma’s little Bug!

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The evening is almost quiet just before the sun goes down – there is an audible roar in the background; I’m not sure where it comes from – some place off in the distance – disturbing my quiet momentarily while I try to ascertain what its origin is. I soon give up and it fades further from my mind as I concentrate on the thoughts that have been piling up for almost a year inside my head.

Spring seems to have woken a reserve in me that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’ve been trying to figure out how to put what I am feeling into words; but it fails me. I can only say that I feel like I have been asleep for a very, very long time.

Memories come back to me, things I have forgotten, some that I wanted to forget, mostly those that I didn’t want to forget. Those that try as I might to recall, going as far as leaving myself little reminders of where I put this or that, only to forget what those little reminders were for, or even what I made the reminders for once I found them. Visions of items on a shelf come clearly now and I find that my brain crackles with the excitement of remembering, and trying to share these moments of joy to others is lost on explanation of what I have felt like for so long. Evidently I did a good job covering for myself; no one knew how strongly this sleep has had control of my mind for so long.

I try to figure out why my mind went so deep into hibernation. At first I thought it might be from the medication I had been on, but then I realized I hadn’t been taking anything stronger than Advil; I didn’t like the effects the others had on me, didn’t like depending on a drug to quiet the pain – I wanted the pain gone – permanently.

Then it hits me. It was the pain itself that caused my mind to go so far from me. I was so busy concentrating on how to get through each day with that horrible pain that there wasn’t anything left of me to give. Each day that has passed since the two surgeries has seemed like years long, but each day there has been progress, each day I gained my strength back a little bit more. Sometimes it has been taking two steps forward and 4 steps back. It’s the learning to know your limits and what you can handle, and on those days that I felt better then I felt in a very long, long time – I tended to overdo it and this set me back another 4 steps.

Frustration is my enemy now. I seem to have lost my ability to have patience with my own body. It betrays me so often now that I get frustrated and wonder why I can’t do the things I did years ago. I often wonder now what I will be like when I am in my 50’s, fearing that because of how my body reacts to exertion now I can only imagine how much worse it will be in those few short years. It doesn’t give me much hope for the future; especially the near future – the winter months. They seem to be especially hard on me, but, I take hope that with spring, the promise of warmer days to come, the sunshine and the warmth in the air and pray that my strength will return more and more each day so that when winter returns, I will be strong enough to get through it.

The past month has kept me preparing for a Boutique for the Knot & Bauble Shoppe – my Artisans and I have opened a temporary store in our 3 season’s porch. Last weekend was the first of three weekends – and then it will be time to rush to prepare for our attendance at another local craft fair.  The inventory is our biggest issue – making sure that those who have high selling items have enough products to sell at each event.

It’s our hope that by putting the Shoppe out in the forefront of the public, eventually we will become well known for quality, hand crafted treasures – which by the way has become our new slogan.  Each event I attend as the Shoppe owner, I seem to cultivate one or two new artisans to the Shoppe. I have two waiting to join now, and one more possibility – as this continues to grow; my thoughts turn more and more towards incorporating the business.

Even my own line of jewelry has evolved far from what it began to be.  MKB changed to SaM’s Beads-n-Baubles, and is still evolving off the beaten path of typical “plated” jewelry that most people create and sell into authentic pearls, semi-precious gemstones, 14k gold and Sterling Silver. I have now been dabbling with creating my own style of Sterling Silver pendants, creating them from Sterling Silver clay and firing them in a kiln…there have been successes and failures in this venture, but with each firing of the kiln – I gain more and more skill and find the classes for metalsmithing fascinating as well as challenging.

I still watch my grandbaby Lexi; she is growing up so fast and changing more and more every day. I am fascinated seeing the world through her eyes…watching it change as her perspective of it changes. Her vocabulary is huge now and she has begun to potty train. The goal is to have her completely trained by fall so that she can start preschool. Grandma thinks she is too young for that yet, but then in my eyes, she still has to hold my hand down the few steps that lead to and from our backyard. They will always be my babies.

This leads me to my last thought before I close – I’m considering taking on a few children to sit once I get a little stronger. Lexi still wears me out, so that may be awhile yet, hopefully before the end of summer I can seriously look into this to help supplement our income, and hopefully by then Tom will have been successful at finding a job as well.

I had considered letting Illusive Life go dormant, but I think I will wait on that decision a little bit longer and see if I can rediscover my joy of writing again. Perhaps there is hope yet.

Now, as only my screen on my laptop illuminates my keyboard, I think it is time to hit publish and call this one posted.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:

Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.

He descended into hell.

On the third day He arose again from the dead.

He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
He shall come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy Catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.

Amen.

Allelujah! HE HAS RISEN!

This was during the month of December & January.

One step at a time and I managed to sit up for the first time yesterday in a week. This was done in gradual stages, a few inches at a time over a period of 8 hours until I was finally sitting upright with no sign of a spinal headache.

I need to sleep but I am so excited at the prospect of getting up today that sleep appears to be the last thing on my mind right now but the first thing on my “Dang Girl, you need rest” list.

You have no idea how much we all take advantage of the simplest things in life until you lose it. Just being able to sit up in bed, or go to the bathroom on your own are things that we do without thinking…I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about these areas in my life that I overlook and think that it is time to do some serious soul searching and give some serious appreciation for the many blessings I take for granted.

My hubby Tom has been a huge source of comfort and blessing for me - I don’t know where I would be without him and if I ever doubted his love and faithfulness beforehand - there is no longer any room for doubt in this grateful heart of mine and I thank the Lord for blessing me with such a kind, considerate and loving husband.

They moved me from the epilepsy wing to the regular neuro wing, back into the room I was originally in after the first surgery - my cell phone is one and has been ringing constantly. It has been such a blessing receiving all the phone calls, emails and cards from all of you - Lea and Kathy, thank you for your continued comments of support, all of you encourage me to dig deep for the strength to overcome this.

I’m not sure when I will be released from the hospital - originally after the surgery I was told I would get to go home in 3 days, but extra caution was needed because of where the tear was in the spinal column and they actually glued it shut…can you believe that? Just blows me away. Now instead of an itty-bitty 1 1/2 inch incision along my back I have this road map that stretches about 5- 6 inches with stitches that will be there for 3 weeks. But I am okay with that - the superficial days of vanity are long gone for me now - there is much more important things to focus on.

I hope to go home maybe Monday, Tuesday at the latest - guess we will have to see how the days progress from here on out, but boy am I ever looking forward to being at home, giving my dog Maggie big snuggles, relaxing in my own surroundings and sleeping next to my husband once again.

And on that note…I best be off if I intend to be any good later today. Thank you all for your continued support.